What if there's a fire?!

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This is going to be a long one, so let's just skip the pleasant "please click here to continue reading request" and just do it - click the "Continue reading" if you want to hear about what just happened to me... WHY ME?!!!!

Still with me? Good.

Disclaimer: I like old people. I think they're fine. I have no problem with the majority of them. But it's old bags like the one in this entry that give movies and comics so much material, that it's no wonder why certain groups like to pick on our nation's elderly... anyway, for the record, I like older people. I work with older people, I have very good "old" friends (most of my neighbors are twice my age, and I love them all), I have old relatives, and I have "aging" family members... :-D I like you all. I hate the old bitty that I'm about to tell you about.

So yesterday, we came home to find a yellow piece of paper stuck in our door that notified us that our street was going to be "microabraded and sealed" sometime on Monday 6/27, and that during that time, we would not be able to drive on our road. The notice went on to explain that for a period of 3-6 hours afterward, the road would be closed, and that we would need to find alternative parking options, and specifically mentioned "neighboring cul de sacs," or "alongside the road, provided you park safely."

Well, for those not familiar with our area, "alongside the road safely" doesn't exist. Our main road is a windy, hilly, twisty, and dangerous road, with entrance and egress points scattered along crests of hills, in the apex of curves, and in very low valleys.

So I'm driving home from work, and I'm minding my own business... I'm listening to the radio, airing out my armpits via the A/C vents (why does that feel sooo good?), when I notice that my road is baracaded. Apparently they had just finished the microabrading a few hours ago. So, I look around, and I see a few other cars parked in a cul de sac. I figure that's the place to park, as I recognize the cars as my neighbors, so I carefully pull in, find a good place to park, and shut off my car.

As I'm opening my door, I'm sucked into the following situation:

Old bag who lives at 2 Ashill Lane ("OB"): "What do you think you're doing? Why is everyone parking on my street? What if there's a fire? Where will the fire truck go?"

Me: "Excuse me? Fire? What?"

OB: "Everyone is parking on my street! I can't park my car on my street! The fire trucks can't get through if there's a fire!"

Me: "There's a fire? What are you talking about?"

OB: "I was told I can't park on my street, and now everyone is parking on my street. Why can't anyone park on someone else's street? This is dangerous - if there was a fire, they'd have no way to get in!"

Me: "Wouldn't they drive in through that end of the street?" (as I pointed to the other end of her street, an opening that's much closer to her house (which is apparently some sort of kindling that's ripe for combustion tonight), and was wide open to traffic. Our cars were "blocking" at best 30% of "her street," along the shoulder, well past the entrance to her driveway and the aforementioned 'main' opening for her street.)

OB: "They couldn't turn around, and they're not going to back out into the road!"

Me: "Look, lady, I don't think this is 'your' street - unless your last name is Ashill, and if you have a fire, I'll come down and move my car right away, ok?"

OB: "This just isn't right! Everyone is parking on MY street! I can't have my friends park on my street when they come to visit! The POA said they wouldn't allow it. What if the ambulance had to turn around so the fire truck could get in?"

Me: "Lady, you don't have a fire hydrant anywhere near this street, so I'd imagine a firetruck would park near the hydrant, not in your driveway. I don't know what the problem is, but all I'm trying to do is get home after a long day's work. I wish I had such trivial things to worry about like 'what if there's a fire' when a few cars are parked on the shoulder of a street. Jesus, get a life, would you? Don't you have some shuffleboard to play? Or some Bridge? Perhaps a little knitting? There's no reason to get so worked up over this - the POA TOLD us to park on a cul de sac, ok?"

So I started to walk away... and I added, "They've baracaded our street, and we'll probably be able to move our cars in an hour or so. So, if your house catches fire in that time, give me a call, and I'll be over in a minute. In fact, I'll probably beat the damn fire truck, ok?"

OB: "I'm going to call the POA! A firetruck could never get through that area! There's no room!"

Me: "You want me to move my car? Fine. I'll move it."

So I got into my car, backed it up about 10 feet, then parked it crossways in "her" street, blocking it completely.

Now, it bears mention that her "street" is about 100 yards long, and is shaped in a "U," with entrance/exit points to the main road on both 'ends' of the "U." It's overgrown with grass, isn't paved, isn't traversed on, and if you didn't know better, really shouldn't be called a street at all... it's more of a "turn around."

Here's my excellent drawing of what it looked like:


OB is all upset, and as I got out of my car, I said, "I'm going to pray with all of my might that the Lord strikes a fire in your house over the next hour. And when the fire trucks try to come, I may or may not answer my phone. So, no smoking tonight, ok?"

I should also mention that I parked my car *past* her house, in a manner that left enough room for me to back a Suburban out of her driveway, completely on to the road, with enough room to turn around completely. There's no way it was anywhere near her house, nor was it blocking the entrance to "her" road.

She was screaming about a fire as I walked away, smiling, rather proud of the fact that I gave the old bat something to worry about. As I was walking down the street, I saw my neighbor, and told him about what had happened. His response? "She's an 'old bitty who's mad at the world. She complains about everyhing." (My neighbor is in his 70's...)

I got home, and told Amy that we'd probably need to go move our cars, but I had to take a minute to tell her about the story... so, we walked back up to our cars, moved them across the street, and walked home. When I got home, there was a message on our answering machine, from the police, who said that, "our cars are a fire hazard, and that all of them need to be moved from the road."

Ugh. We called the cop back, told him about what happened, and he confirmed that she was indeed, a crazy old lady, but that he had to call us and ask us to move our vehicles.

Man, what a crazy old bat. If there's a god out there, and he has any compassion, he'll either: (a) strike lighting on her house, (b) give her a heart attack, (c) all of the above. I'm so pissed right now, I can taste metal in my mouth. Stupid old bag!!!! She has the only house on that "street-" I can't imagine what it will do to her when and if someone ever builds on the other half of the street... she'll probably stroke 5-6 times, then call the POA daily to complain about them and the "fire hazard."


Whew. I feel better, but I still can taste metal in my mouth.


Laughed all the way through this! The drawing topped this off. This needs to go into my "Why I hate people" file. We need to write a book. But at some point I'm worried about you. We're going to read about you in the "incident" section of the paper...right after my incident where my house is vandalized because of the Soviet flag flying on my porch.

Also, thanks for the link and comments. Maybe I'll start getting a few visitors.

It must be something in the air. Nat had an incident Monday. He was driving down a 2-lane highway when suddenly a car pulled out in front of him. He slammed on his brakes and laid on the horn!!!

The car suddenly came to a complete stop in the middle of the street. This old man who could barely walk, got out of his car and headed back towards Nat's car. Yelling at him for honking his horn. "Why ya honkin at me?" Nat told him "you are an idiot and you pulled out in front of me." The old man informed Nat that he was a good block away. Obviously the ole man was not wearing his driving glasses. So he continued to yell at Nat for honking at him for no reason at all. Nat finally told the guy to shut up and get back in his car, he was now tying up traffic. Do these old shits think no one is going to beat them up, they are beyond getting an ass beating?

I am not looking forward to the day that someone refers to me as Liitle "O" B. Put me out of my misery!!!!
Hey Steve, idea here for ya...I have connections and can get you bags of fecal matter to make poooo bombs. I can bring them by anytime and we can have a great time upsetting the old bat. You name the time and place I will be there...Until then stay out of jail!!!!

Good thing Amy warned me I might pee my pants before I read this.....
I thank god that I have such an "even" temperment compared to my dear brother-in-law :)

Wisconsin little old ladies aren't like that. I think you ought to move back.

The little old ladies in Wi. will just throw cheese at you. Stay in Ar!

If you really wanted to upset her, you could always get your friends and neighbors to park on "her" street and then set off firecrackers in front of her house!

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