Pop Quiz: Texas Drivers Edition

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3:26am on Sunday morning and I'm wide-freakin'-awake. Nice. I don't know what it is, but I absolutely cannot sleep. Tossed and turned for the past two hours with zero sleep, so I decided to get some things done. Answered a ton of work e-mails from the weekend, made a to-do list for Monday morning, and crafted an idea for this blog entry.

In the past, I've been rather critical of Oklahoma drivers, and prior to moving to Austin, I was convinced that the world's worst drivers were from Oklahoma. And while I still firmly believe that Oklahoma drivers are awful, Texas drivers have officially won the award for the world's worst drivers, without a doubt, and beyond any exception. Congratulations, Texas - you hold a unique distinction!

I have never had more bad experiences while driving than I have while in Texas. It's ridiculous how badly people drive here - they have no regard/care/respect/concern for anyone else on the road, and it almost seems as though they blatantly try to spit on the rules of the road. It's so maddening.

So, in the interest of helping illustrate just how bad the drivers are, I've developed this quiz. See how you stack up against the selfish, inconsiderate, obtuse, rude, and genuinely awful drivers from Texas. Let's begin. Oh - just a word of advice - if you've completed a single hour of drivers education at any point in your life, you're already going to score light years ahead of any Texas driver...

And before you think I've lived a sheltered, traffic-free life, please keep in mind that I have spent many years living and commuting in San Francisco and Washington DC, so I'm not really a stranger to heavy traffic...





Question 1: Were you at any point in your life taught or otherwise educated on how to drive in Texas? Or, do you currently hold a Texas-issued driver's license?

A. No. I am educated, considerate, understand and observe the rules of the road, realize I am not the only person on the planet, do not tailgate, do not camp in the left lane while going 55, do believe in using my cruise control, and try my best to properly signal impending traffic maneuvers such as lane changes.

B. Hell yes! Screw everyone!!! Y'all!!!!


If you answered "A," please continue to try and avoid driving in, near, or through the state of Texas. You will only become frustrated and your life will most definitely be placed in immediate and extreme danger. Nuns and Buddhist monks alike have been blinded with rage from encountering Texas drivers. If you answered "B," I have nothing to say other than, "Lord help us all."






Question 2: This picture shows:

dragster.jpg

A. A 5,000-horsepower NHRA Top Fuel Dragster as it leaves the starting line of a closed-course race track, where the environment has been strictly controlled to facilitate professional drivers operating and competing with technologically advanced machinery designed for maximum acceleration over the course of a quarter mile.

B. A typical Texas driver at any given stoplight in any given part of town.


The correct answer is "A." Unless you're from Texas... in which case, you should substitute the multi-million-dollar race car for a: pick-up truck, SUV, ratty old Hyundai, or Vespa scooter - the result is the same. No one else can accelerate as quickly as a Texas driver. When the light turns green, you absolutely MUST floor it - don't look back, don't look around, just gas it and go. And don't you dare stop accelerating unless you've run into someone in front of you - just go, go, go! (y'all!)






Question 3: You are the only car on this particular stretch of road. You do not wish to exit from the road. Which lane should you be driving in?

open_road.jpg

A. The lane to the right (not the exit lane).

B. The left lane would be my preference, especially if I was going 57mph in an area zoned for 65mph. Or, hell, since I'm a Texas driver, whichever dang lane I want, including the exit lane and both shoulders, y'all!!




The correct answer is "A." Unless you're from Texas, in which case you don't care about lanes. Your vehicle has wheels, a motor, and at least one gun rack, so you'll drive wherever you want to.





Question 4: Reference the picture from question #3, and imagine there is a ______ (insert: bicycle, pregnant mother pushing a baby stroller, pack of baby ducks, or other defenseless entity) traveling on the shoulder. There is no traffic on the road. You are the only vehicle on this particular stretch of road. When passing the non-motorized entity as described earlier, you should:

A. Allow a safe distance between your vehicle and the cyclist/pedestrian/creature. It would be best to move over to the far left lane, and pass with some degree of caution.

B. Hug the shoulder as closely as possible in an attempt to buzz the cyclist/pedestrian/creature. If available, you should throw something at them while whooping and hollering. After all, this is YOUR road and who the heck do they think they are by riding/walking/traveling on YOUR road, y'all?!!


The correct answer is "A." Unless you're from Texas, in which case, answer "B" would be the natural, knee-jerk response.






Question 5: You are traveling in heavy city traffic on a multi-lane highway, where the speed limit is 65mph. There are vehicles in every lane, and there are signs that clearly indicate that "slower traffic keep right." What does this mean?

A. Traffic that is preparing to exit the highway should be in or near the right-most lane so that they may efficiently and safely exit the highway. Traffic that is traveling at a normal pace should attempt to occupy the center lane, and traffic that is passing the slower traffic should temporarily occupy the left-most lane, then return to the center lane so as not to impede other drivers.

B. Who the @*#&$!!@ cares?! I'm from Texas, y'all!! I drive where ever I want to, and I'll drive at whatever speed I want! If I want to go 45 in the left lane and then swerve over to the far right lane, speed up to 100, then slam on my brakes as I dive over to the left lane so that I can squeeze within inches of you and another car while going 50, I'll do it, y'all!! Get outta' my way, y'all!!! Yeeeeeee hawwww!!



The correct answer is "A." Unless you're from Texas, in which case answer "B" seems completely plausible, especially if you add in that you're texting on your iPhone and jamming out to some country music while driving like a complete jack-and-apes.





Question 6: True or false - when traveling on the freeway, where the majority of traffic is flowing smoothly and the road is wide open, straight, and free of obstruction, you should use your cruise control to maintain a consistent rate of speed.


The correct answer is "True." Unless you're from Texas, in which case, you will most likely do your very best to disrupt that even flow and rate of travel. It is your God-given right (and duty) to drive like a complete jerk, so you will speed-up whenever someone attempts to pass you, and you will attempt to make it nearly impossible for anyone to get around you. If you're in the left lane, you will be going slower than everyone until someone attempts to pass you. If you're lucky enough to spot another driver from Texas, the two of you will form what is often referred to the "Texas roadblock" by driving side-by-side at exactly 8 mph slower than the posted speed limit, thus impeding and inconveniencing every other driver around you. Occasionally, your Texas roadblock will speed-up to a high rate of speed, still traveling side-by-side, and then abruptly slow back down. You will repeat this process for miles and miles.





Question 7: When approaching a stoplight where all surrounding traffic has come to a stop and the signal shows "red," you should:

A. Remove your foot from the gas pedal, apply the brakes, slow down, prepare to stop, and be aware of the traffic around you.

B. Keep on accelerating toward the stoplight, screw y'all!! I'm from Texas, I'm driving a big truck, I got my 10-gallon hat on, I got my country music crankin, I got a big wad of dip in my lip, and I ain't slowin' down for nobod--- oh crap!!! SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEETCH!!!!! What the heck are y'all doin'?! Get outta' my way!!!


The correct answer is "A." By now, you've probably got the idea of how bad things are around here...






Question 8: You live in a city of nearly 2-million people. There isn't a dirt road, field, or any type of farm within a 30-mile radius. Parking spots are tiny, parking garages are short, and gas is both limited and expensive. What type of vehicle should you consider purchasing?

A. A reasonably sized vehicle that suits your needs; if you have a family, you might purchase a minivan. If you're single, you might purchase a smaller vehicle, such as a MINI Cooper, or a Honda Civic.

B. The biggest truck you can find, in 4x4, with the largest motor available. You should then modify the truck so that it is lifted beyond the legal limit, fit it with the loudest exhaust possible, tint the windows as black as possible, install an oversized and unnecessary trailer hitch, and install a large brush guard on the front, complete with as many fog lights as possible. If there's any room left on your credit card, extra chrome trim is always a welcome option.


The correct answer is "A." Unless you're from Texas, in which case, you will answer "B," and you will then drive that obnoxious truck in an equally obnoxious and unsafe manner.






Question 9: What is the purpose of a speed bump?

A. To slow the speed of traffic, usually in an attempt to encourage safety and awareness in an area that may be heavily populated by pedestrians.

B. A jump for my vehicle and a major inconvenience to my busy schedule, y'all!


The correct answer is "A." Unless you're from Texas, in which case the answer is "B." You will accelerate at a high rate of speed toward the speed bump, slam on the brakes at the last possible second, fly over the bump, and then gas it to the next speed bump.

Wait... check that - if you're really from Texas, you would never slam on the brakes - you'd just keep accelerating, so disregard the explanation. Just gas it, y'all.






Question 10: You are driving on a busy section of road, where there are exactly 117 other cars around you. How many other cars are around you?

A. 117.

B. Who cares?! I'm from Texas, y'all!! I'm the ONLY car on the road!! I'm the ONLY one that matters!! Don't mess with Texas!!


Sigh.....





If you answered "A" to any question above, you are most likely not a Texas driver, and for that, I thank you and welcome you as a fellow driver. I also encourage you to stay as far away as possible from any vehicle that displays Texas plates, because you will most likely go from being a peaceful, law abiding driver, to an enraged, ready-to-snap, wanting to pull your hair out driver within a matter of seconds. Trust me.

Bonus question:

This is a picture of:

bush_driving.jpg

A. George W. Bush, our previous president

B. God's gift to the world and a fellow Texan. But what the heck is he doing driving so slowly?! That boy's spent too much time in Warshington DC, y'all! Tell him to gas it and go! What? No, he don't have to look ahead - he can keep lookin' over his shoulder, just gas it! Go, go, go!!!! Yeeeeeeeehaw!

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