Recently in drivers Category

So, not only are the roads awful around Madison (I still dare anyone to drive down University Avenue with a hot cup of coffee near their lap), but the driver's are quite honestly some of the worst I've ever experienced. I've made mention of this in the past, and most have dismissed my observations as "heresy" and due to "grumpiness," but now I have hard evidence that my claims are well-founded, reasonable, and substantiated.

Study shows that Madison, WI is the 16th most dangerous city to drive in.

I saw the story on the news last night, and boy howdy - I couldn't agree more. I'm most surprised that Madison ranked so low - I'd put it in the top 5 for worst cities to drive, ride, run, or walk in. To further validate my claims that I "know" my bad drivers when I see them, Austin ranked 4th - and you'll recall how much I disliked Texas drivers...

But back to Madison... Common driving events include:

• Drivers speed and tailgate like crazy, regardless of surroundings: it's not uncommon for me to have people pass me on University Avenue or Parmenter Street at speeds in excess of 50mph (the speed limit is 30-35 on either street).
• Drivers "block the box" when turning left: this incredibly stupid maneuver involves left-turn traffic pulling well into the middle of an intersection while waiting for traffic to clear so they can complete their left-hand turn. I've seen at least 2 accidents because of this.
• Drivers do not yield to pedestrians or bicyclists, even when in "protected" zones like crosswalks or bike lanes. You have a real death wish if you commute by foot or bike in this city.
• Drivers cannot comprehend the notion of a "round-about," yet we keep adding them... I can't tell you how many times I've seen people go the wrong way in a round-about. It's not that hard to figure out, folks! Yield to traffic from the left, and you're good.
• They love to run yellow/red lights here. Holy cats - I've never seen so many people run yellow/red lights as I have since moving back to Wisconsin. It happens at least 2-3 times on every single trip I take, including my short, < 3 mile commute to work each day.
• School zones? Why should I slow down for them?!
• Drunk/distracted/out-of-control drivers are everywhere. I always get the feeling as if no one is ever in control of their vehicles here - it's as if they get in, start the car, and just "hang on" for dear life as they drive. Truly scary to see people trying to navigate parking lots, entry/exits, and so on - I just shake my head when I see a car/truck come bounding into a parking lot, the driver perched way back, arms outstretched as if they had Tyrannosaurus Rex-arm syndrome, with a complete lack of sense for their surroundings... they usually go squealing into a parking stall, narrowly missing any adjacent vehicles, and then bounce to a stop, the car rocking back-and-forth as they jam the shifter into park.

So, here's to you, Madison - congrats on the ranking... now do us all a favor and try to learn how to drive with some courtesy and awareness of those around you. As I've mentioned before, I've narrowly missed being run over by people while I'm running - it happens so often that I've stopped counting the incidents.

And speaking of drivers, I had a chance to play golf yesterday afternoon - my friend John called and asked if I'd like to join him for 18 holes at the Foxboro club in Oregon, WI, and I said "Absolutely!"

The weather was gorgeous - low 80s, sunny, but a tad on the humid side. Oh well, who can complain when you have an opportunity to sneak out of work for a few hours on a Tuesday afternoon to hack away at the golf course?

And hack away I did. I haven't golfed since 2007 - my clubs were covered in dust, in fact! My first swing was a shot from the 1st tee... and things went downhill from there. I think I shot a 55-56 on the front 9, and we stopped counting on the back 9... :-D

Here's me at one of the tee boxes - folks, this is how NOT to tee-off:

I say that only because nearly every one of my tee shots ended-up in the rough - I have this amazing tendency to slice each and every tee-off. So, I spend the majority of my remaining shots working my way back to the fairway. It's still fun, though. I need to get out and golf more than I have been - it's pretty enjoyable, and there are definitely worse ways to spend an afternoon.

Pop-quiz for you driving experts...

Q: In the picture below, assuming that the road as illustrated is a controlled access interstate highway, which vehicle should yield right of way (slow down, speed up, etc)?

Options:

1. Vehicle "A" should yield by slowing down or speeding up to "make room" for Vehicle "B"


2. Vehicle "B" should yield by slowing down and waiting for an appropriate and safe opportunity to enter mainstream traffic.

Take a second to think about this....

The answer is: Vehicle "B" should yield. Why? Vehicle B is attempting to access a controlled-access highway, and must therefore yield to existing traffic. The same holds true of any traffic that would normally interrupt or impede the normal flow of any mainstream traffic.

However, if you're from Wisconsin, apparently the person on the ramp should automatically have the right-of-way, and all other traffic should yield to the ramp traffic. Silly me, I should've known better - I was shocked to discover this "unwritten rule" while driving to the Packers game on Saturday...

The highway was packed with traffic, and I was "coached" by my passengers that it was my responsibility to make room for any traffic that was trying to merge its way onto our crowded highway. Hmm. I guess you learn something new every day.

3:26am on Sunday morning and I'm wide-freakin'-awake. Nice. I don't know what it is, but I absolutely cannot sleep. Tossed and turned for the past two hours with zero sleep, so I decided to get some things done. Answered a ton of work e-mails from the weekend, made a to-do list for Monday morning, and crafted an idea for this blog entry.

In the past, I've been rather critical of Oklahoma drivers, and prior to moving to Austin, I was convinced that the world's worst drivers were from Oklahoma. And while I still firmly believe that Oklahoma drivers are awful, Texas drivers have officially won the award for the world's worst drivers, without a doubt, and beyond any exception. Congratulations, Texas - you hold a unique distinction!

I have never had more bad experiences while driving than I have while in Texas. It's ridiculous how badly people drive here - they have no regard/care/respect/concern for anyone else on the road, and it almost seems as though they blatantly try to spit on the rules of the road. It's so maddening.

So, in the interest of helping illustrate just how bad the drivers are, I've developed this quiz. See how you stack up against the selfish, inconsiderate, obtuse, rude, and genuinely awful drivers from Texas. Let's begin. Oh - just a word of advice - if you've completed a single hour of drivers education at any point in your life, you're already going to score light years ahead of any Texas driver...

And before you think I've lived a sheltered, traffic-free life, please keep in mind that I have spent many years living and commuting in San Francisco and Washington DC, so I'm not really a stranger to heavy traffic...

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Question 1: Were you at any point in your life taught or otherwise educated on how to drive in Texas? Or, do you currently hold a Texas-issued driver's license?

A. No. I am educated, considerate, understand and observe the rules of the road, realize I am not the only person on the planet, do not tailgate, do not camp in the left lane while going 55, do believe in using my cruise control, and try my best to properly signal impending traffic maneuvers such as lane changes.

B. Hell yes! Screw everyone!!! Y'all!!!!

If you answered "A," please continue to try and avoid driving in, near, or through the state of Texas. You will only become frustrated and your life will most definitely be placed in immediate and extreme danger. Nuns and Buddhist monks alike have been blinded with rage from encountering Texas drivers. If you answered "B," I have nothing to say other than, "Lord help us all."

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Question 2: This picture shows:

A. A 5,000-horsepower NHRA Top Fuel Dragster as it leaves the starting line of a closed-course race track, where the environment has been strictly controlled to facilitate professional drivers operating and competing with technologically advanced machinery designed for maximum acceleration over the course of a quarter mile.

B. A typical Texas driver at any given stoplight in any given part of town.

The correct answer is "A." Unless you're from Texas... in which case, you should substitute the multi-million-dollar race car for a: pick-up truck, SUV, ratty old Hyundai, or Vespa scooter - the result is the same. No one else can accelerate as quickly as a Texas driver. When the light turns green, you absolutely MUST floor it - don't look back, don't look around, just gas it and go. And don't you dare stop accelerating unless you've run into someone in front of you - just go, go, go! (y'all!)

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Question 3: You are the only car on this particular stretch of road. You do not wish to exit from the road. Which lane should you be driving in?

A. The lane to the right (not the exit lane).

B. The left lane would be my preference, especially if I was going 57mph in an area zoned for 65mph. Or, hell, since I'm a Texas driver, whichever dang lane I want, including the exit lane and both shoulders, y'all!!




The correct answer is "A." Unless you're from Texas, in which case you don't care about lanes. Your vehicle has wheels, a motor, and at least one gun rack, so you'll drive wherever you want to.

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Question 4: Reference the picture from question #3, and imagine there is a ______ (insert: bicycle, pregnant mother pushing a baby stroller, pack of baby ducks, or other defenseless entity) traveling on the shoulder. There is no traffic on the road. You are the only vehicle on this particular stretch of road. When passing the non-motorized entity as described earlier, you should:

A. Allow a safe distance between your vehicle and the cyclist/pedestrian/creature. It would be best to move over to the far left lane, and pass with some degree of caution.

B. Hug the shoulder as closely as possible in an attempt to buzz the cyclist/pedestrian/creature. If available, you should throw something at them while whooping and hollering. After all, this is YOUR road and who the heck do they think they are by riding/walking/traveling on YOUR road, y'all?!!

The correct answer is "A." Unless you're from Texas, in which case, answer "B" would be the natural, knee-jerk response.

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Question 5: You are traveling in heavy city traffic on a multi-lane highway, where the speed limit is 65mph. There are vehicles in every lane, and there are signs that clearly indicate that "slower traffic keep right." What does this mean?

A. Traffic that is preparing to exit the highway should be in or near the right-most lane so that they may efficiently and safely exit the highway. Traffic that is traveling at a normal pace should attempt to occupy the center lane, and traffic that is passing the slower traffic should temporarily occupy the left-most lane, then return to the center lane so as not to impede other drivers.

B. Who the @*#&$!!@ cares?! I'm from Texas, y'all!! I drive where ever I want to, and I'll drive at whatever speed I want! If I want to go 45 in the left lane and then swerve over to the far right lane, speed up to 100, then slam on my brakes as I dive over to the left lane so that I can squeeze within inches of you and another car while going 50, I'll do it, y'all!! Get outta' my way, y'all!!! Yeeeeeee hawwww!!



The correct answer is "A." Unless you're from Texas, in which case answer "B" seems completely plausible, especially if you add in that you're texting on your iPhone and jamming out to some country music while driving like a complete jack-and-apes.

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Question 6: True or false - when traveling on the freeway, where the majority of traffic is flowing smoothly and the road is wide open, straight, and free of obstruction, you should use your cruise control to maintain a consistent rate of speed.

The correct answer is "True." Unless you're from Texas, in which case, you will most likely do your very best to disrupt that even flow and rate of travel. It is your God-given right (and duty) to drive like a complete jerk, so you will speed-up whenever someone attempts to pass you, and you will attempt to make it nearly impossible for anyone to get around you. If you're in the left lane, you will be going slower than everyone until someone attempts to pass you. If you're lucky enough to spot another driver from Texas, the two of you will form what is often referred to the "Texas roadblock" by driving side-by-side at exactly 8 mph slower than the posted speed limit, thus impeding and inconveniencing every other driver around you. Occasionally, your Texas roadblock will speed-up to a high rate of speed, still traveling side-by-side, and then abruptly slow back down. You will repeat this process for miles and miles.

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Question 7: When approaching a stoplight where all surrounding traffic has come to a stop and the signal shows "red," you should:

A. Remove your foot from the gas pedal, apply the brakes, slow down, prepare to stop, and be aware of the traffic around you.

B. Keep on accelerating toward the stoplight, screw y'all!! I'm from Texas, I'm driving a big truck, I got my 10-gallon hat on, I got my country music crankin, I got a big wad of dip in my lip, and I ain't slowin' down for nobod--- oh crap!!! SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEETCH!!!!! What the heck are y'all doin'?! Get outta' my way!!!

The correct answer is "A." By now, you've probably got the idea of how bad things are around here...

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Question 8: You live in a city of nearly 2-million people. There isn't a dirt road, field, or any type of farm within a 30-mile radius. Parking spots are tiny, parking garages are short, and gas is both limited and expensive. What type of vehicle should you consider purchasing?

A. A reasonably sized vehicle that suits your needs; if you have a family, you might purchase a minivan. If you're single, you might purchase a smaller vehicle, such as a MINI Cooper, or a Honda Civic.

B. The biggest truck you can find, in 4x4, with the largest motor available. You should then modify the truck so that it is lifted beyond the legal limit, fit it with the loudest exhaust possible, tint the windows as black as possible, install an oversized and unnecessary trailer hitch, and install a large brush guard on the front, complete with as many fog lights as possible. If there's any room left on your credit card, extra chrome trim is always a welcome option.

The correct answer is "A." Unless you're from Texas, in which case, you will answer "B," and you will then drive that obnoxious truck in an equally obnoxious and unsafe manner.

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Question 9: What is the purpose of a speed bump?

A. To slow the speed of traffic, usually in an attempt to encourage safety and awareness in an area that may be heavily populated by pedestrians.

B. A jump for my vehicle and a major inconvenience to my busy schedule, y'all!

The correct answer is "A." Unless you're from Texas, in which case the answer is "B." You will accelerate at a high rate of speed toward the speed bump, slam on the brakes at the last possible second, fly over the bump, and then gas it to the next speed bump.

Wait... check that - if you're really from Texas, you would never slam on the brakes - you'd just keep accelerating, so disregard the explanation. Just gas it, y'all.

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Question 10: You are driving on a busy section of road, where there are exactly 117 other cars around you. How many other cars are around you?

A. 117.

B. Who cares?! I'm from Texas, y'all!! I'm the ONLY car on the road!! I'm the ONLY one that matters!! Don't mess with Texas!!

Sigh.....

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If you answered "A" to any question above, you are most likely not a Texas driver, and for that, I thank you and welcome you as a fellow driver. I also encourage you to stay as far away as possible from any vehicle that displays Texas plates, because you will most likely go from being a peaceful, law abiding driver, to an enraged, ready-to-snap, wanting to pull your hair out driver within a matter of seconds. Trust me.

Bonus question:

This is a picture of:

A. George W. Bush, our previous president

B. God's gift to the world and a fellow Texan. But what the heck is he doing driving so slowly?! That boy's spent too much time in Warshington DC, y'all! Tell him to gas it and go! What? No, he don't have to look ahead - he can keep lookin' over his shoulder, just gas it! Go, go, go!!!! Yeeeeeeeehaw!

So I had the pleasure of driving into Tulsa yesterday to pick up my sister-in-law from the Tulsa airport. Normally, I really enjoy driving. There's nothing quite like getting into a car that has just had its oil changed, tires rotated, fluids checked, and gas tank filled, knowing that you're about to embark on a good 'ole fashioned road trip. I enjoy seeing the countryside, listening to my Sirius Satellite Radio (or iPod), firing up the radar detector and hitting the road.

But just as the driving experience can be enjoyable, it can be miserable, and that's exactly how I describe any trip to Oklahoma, or any trip that's tainted with an abundance of Oklahoma drivers in close proximity to me. Holy cats. People -- I know that you think I'm exaggerating or embellishing how poorly Okies drive, but I swear to you I am not. Ask anyone that lives anywhere near Oklahoma and they'll tell you the same thing - there is not a worse group of drivers than Oklahomans.

Here are a few reason as to why I can't stand to drive anyhwere near an Okie, as evidenced yesterday during my forray into OK:

1) They don't use cruise control.
The speed limit in Oklahoma is 75mph on most interstate highways. I set the cruise on my car at 78mph, and stayed in the right lane, except for when I had to pass the frequent vehicle that was travelling 50mph or slower. Nothing like a 30mph speed differential to keep you on your toes...

Anyway, I never varried my speed. 78 on the dot. Oklahoma is flat. The road was smooth and nice. Yet, almost every single vehicle that either passed me or was passed by me would do the following: slow down as I passed them or after they passed me. We'd trade places. The vehicle would then pass me at around 90mph, then slow down to 65 mph. Then they'd go exactly 78mph. Then they'd drop down to 70mph. Then they'd speed up to 80mph. Repeat this until they would exit, or we'd come up on other traffic. Can anyone hold a steady speed in Oklahoma???

It wasn't just 1 vehicle, it was every other vehicle on Highway 412 -- seriously!

2) Brakes = 100% on or 100% off
I followed an older Oldsmobile car that was driven by a lady with frizzy, 80's rockstar curly hair. The Olds was rusted. It was missing at least one hubcap. It was filthy. The antenna was "repaired" with a coat hanger. No license plate. And two bumper stickers that read: "If you can't FEED 'em, don't BREED 'em!" and then right below it, another that read, "Pro Choice and Proud of it!" Excellent. I fully support the pro choice movement. But her car was full of kids - 4 to be exact, and by the looks of the car, she had to be feeding her kids because she wasn't putting any money into the vehicle...

So, she would approach a slower vehicle, and at the very last possible second, SLAM on the brakes. The car would nose dive, weave a little, and I would zing past her (my cruise still on 78mph). Then she'd floor it past me, only to approach the vehicle in front of her, and then SLAM on the brakes again.

Repeat this for every vehicle she encountered. All the way from Siloam Springs to the Tulsa airport. She was always within eyesight of me (or alongside of me).

3) Red light? What's that?
I encountered a few stoplights during yesterday's journey, and like most respectable drivers, when the light turned yellow I would slow, and when the light turned red, I would stop. Apparently most Oklahoman drivers are color blind, as a red light carries no meaning if you're displaying an Oklahoma license plate.

4) Stop when there's no red light.
Following a long line of traffic, and we're stopping for no reason along an extremely busy stretch of "city" road. An opening appears in the other lane, and I floor my vehicle to get out of the stopped line of traffic. What's the hold-up? Oh, just a guy in silver Mustang, who's stopped in the middle of the road to look at a sign on a building... At least he wasn't in the left lane, in a 45mph zone. Oh, wait, that's right - he was.

5) Total and complete idiocy and ignorance.
I saved the best for last... When you enter Oklahoma from the east on Highway 412, you have to pay a $2.25 toll to get on to the Cherokee Turnpike. Shortly after paying your toll, there is a travel center that features a gas station, convenience store, and some restaurants. I was driving past this center when a truck approached from the on-ramp. It was a new Ford pick-up truck, the Harley Davidson edition. Gloss black, nice new wheels, and tinted windows. As it merged onto the highway just in front of me, I immediately noticed two things:

a) Several confederate flag sitckers on the back window, which is fine. No big deal...

b) The ENTIRE tailgate was covered with bumperstickers that read, "Save America! Vote Bush/Cheney for '08"

I kid you not. The ENTIRE tailgate was plastered with these stickers - side to side, top to bottom. Where was my camera when I really needed it?!

Aside from the fact that a President can't be elected to a third term, Bush/Cheney have all but ruined us. I always wondered who the idiots were that voted for those bumbling, crooked, underhanded, lying, ignorant, (insert 100 other derrogatory comments) dummies Bush and Cheney.... now I know.

In defense of Oklahoma, the truck in question had a Texas license plate...

Welcome to my newest feature - "Drivers by State." In this sure-to-be-entertaining new series, I'll take an in-depth look at the drivers from each of our fifty fine states, examine their idiosyncracies, point out their flaws, and point out any unique identifiers.

For our first installation, I'd like to start with Oklahoma drivers.

State: Oklahoma
Easy Identifier: Look for the driver that's oblivious to everything.
Watch Out For: Erratic moves without using signals, extreme tailgating, regularly running red lights, road hogging, random lane changes, random parts falling from vehicle, and complete jack@$$edness driving.
Distinction: The world's *worst* drivers, bar none.

(story continues after clicking link)